Chapter 11, part 2: The Cold Queen

I opened my eyes and I didn’t just listen to the song but also watched the music video on YouTube. I cried. I cried the whole time. 😥 It was a Czech song that was about death, and the whole music video was about a funeral and people meeting after the funeral. It wasn’t the death that made me cry but the music video in general. In it, people met after the funeral. They were eating, drinking, looking at photos and remembering. I remembered my own home.😥 My real home, when I was only a small child and I still thought that I actually had one. I thought that I belonged somewhere and I didn’t feel lost. All the surroundings in the music video; the food, the alcohol, the people; all of these reminded me of my native country. Those times when we visited my grandma´s place and my whole family met up there and we ate and drank.😥👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

And what about the chorus of the song?
“Throw the ashes into rushing white water, my friend.
Even if the fire is out, a horseshoe will bring you a good luck.”

My relationship with Mike burnt out but I didn’t throw the ashes away yet. I still hadn’t forgotten him, and I thought that I never would. He was the man I was going to marry. Mike will always be a special guy to me, but if I want to move on and live my life, I need to throw the ashes away. ⚱️After all, our love was already extinct. And then the horseshoe brought me a good luck. Is The Young One that good fortune?🤨🤔

I was very confused about all this. 🤯 I didn’t expect that the song would provoke so many feelings inside me. First, I thought that the whole test was total bullshit but then I started to really think about it. What did The Young One want to tell me by this? Did he feel that I still loved Mike, and that’s why he held back in our relationship? Did he feel offended that I didn’t give him real love? Did he think that I didn’t actually love him, and that’s why he wanted to give me a clue that if I want to be with him, I need to forget Mike? Did he want to make me jealous by flirting with that Czech girl so that I would realize what he meant to me?🤔

“Can we talk about it in person?” I texted him.
“Did you hear the song?”
“So tell me one word that crossed your mind.”
“I can´t tell you one word. I had a thousands thoughts in my mind. Come home and I will tell you everything.”
“I want to hear one word from you.”
“I can´t tell you just one word.”
“Am I really not worth it you to do that one thing for me?”
“And am I not worth it you to have a proper talk with me, but instead you just test me?”
“As you wish.”
“Can we talk please?”
“I want to hear one word from you. One idea that you had in your head while listening to it.” He still insisted and I got tired of fighting. He didn’t understand me. I gave up.
“Home.” I texted.
“The opposite of the thunder storm. Normally you see the bullet first and then hear the shot. But I heard the shot first and then the bullet flew out.”

WHAT THE FUCK?!? Did he text me some theory from a book?🤯🤨
I responded, “Philosopher.”
“Philosophy is beautiful because even if the truth hurts, it let you express it in a way that you don’t feel hurt, but it still doesn’t lose meaning.”
I was beginning to have enough of him. I didn’t understand what he meant at all. First, he dug into me until I said a word, and when I did, he gave me a bullshit answer.
He continued, “By that test you proved the opposite of the thunder storm. You were the shooter and I was the target. The bullet was the answer. I heard the shot and I hid. After the bullet flew out of the gun, there was no target.”

He killed me.🤯🔫 I looked at my phone with my mouth open.😧 Actually, according to his words, I killed him. This wasn’t a test. This was a game and I didn’t know the rules. The game that he manipulated so that he could win. Whatever my response, I didn’t have a chance to win. When I didn’t respond, he told me that he was not worth it and when I did, I still did it wrong. He didn’t leave me alone until I responded, and in the end I found out that I wasn’t supposed to respond at all because that killed him.🤦‍♀️ “What kind of freaking game are we playing here?!?” I asked myself. “What is it about anyway? What is the price?🏆 Him? Don’t be ridiculous!😅 Do I really need to play such games to make a man stay with me?🤦‍♀️ Actually, to make him find a reason to leave me? What did I get into?🤦‍♀️ Is he really such a coward who can´t tell me that he found another girl? A younger girl? Does he need to humiliate me by giving me a fucking testing? Who does he think he is?!? No young asshole will fuck with me like that!!!”😤🖕

I was so pissed. I was mad that he made up such stupidity, but I was also mad at myself, that I let him make me an idiot. I even tried to find a hidden idea inside the song like a dummy. I even felt sorry for him that I didn’t properly show him my love. Love?!? That asshole doesn’t deserve any love! So this is the ´beautiful´ present I got from him on my birthday. The test. A twenty-eight year old woman was tested by a twenty-one year old ass. It was ridiculous!

“You really meant it with that test? Are you calling yourself a man? Can´t you just tell me that you are fucking that young bitch from the restaurant but you need to make up a stupid test? Are you really such a kid?” I started when he came home and was getting ready to work.
“You got an answer.”
“What happened to you? In Trenton you told me how much you loved me, and that you wanted to live with me in Key West, and since we came here, you have changed. I thought that you got offended because I was cold to you. So I tried to show you that we could try it together.”
“The more you tried, the worse it got. Can´t you see it? How you put yourself down because of me? How you ran your ass around me and did whatever I wanted? How you even served my brother because you thought that I would like you more? But the opposite was true. You just humiliated yourself. You were supposed to let me fight for you and not just offer yourself to me.”
“You fought for me for three months in Trenton. Wasn’t it enough for you?”
“I would fight for you my entire life.”
“So you didn’t like me taking care of you and being nice to you?”
“I didn’t like how you put yourself down. And you let me step all over you. How could I respect you if you did everything that I wanted? You even gave me all the freedom, and you weren’t jealous at all. Eventually, you figured it out that I fucked someone else, and you still took the test that I gave you. Can´t you see how much you humiliated yourself? I could do anything I wanted with you, but I don’t enjoy that. I need to fight for a woman. You lost your value to me. When you told me that you loved me, you stopped being a challenge for me. I got you, and I didn’t need to make an effort anymore. You started to make an effort, and that’s why you stopped being a queen to me.”
“Do you want to tell me that you liked me more when I was cold to you?”
“You should stay cold.”

Those last words changed my life. “You should stay cold.” In that moment, Klara became The Cold Queen Barbara.❄️❄️❄️👑👑👑

A word to the wise: Women! Don’t put too much effort into a relationship, don’t invest too much in a man, don’t try to much to make him happy, and never put his needs in front of yours! They don’t deserve it!!! They are ungrateful bastards, who deserve to be treated like dogs. Dog lovers, I beg your pardon. Dogs are actually cute, and they are able to show gratitude, not like man. So I really don’t know to whom I should compare men. Hmm, to no one and to nothing. They are just their own breed. Unthankful bastards!

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