Chapter 10, part 2: The Young One

Nela left and I spent all my free time with The Young One. After our drunk adventure, The Young One expressed his feeling for me all the time, but I kept my distance. I preferred to listen to my brain not heart because I was aware that I had no future with such a young boy. Well, sex was good, but anything else would be just a waste of time.

One day, he wanted to seriously talk to me.
“I want to leave Trenton. I don´t like it here.”
He shocked me. I knew that Trenton is nothing special but I really thought that he liked me but suddenly he wanted to leave. Hmm, perhaps I shouldn’t be so cold to him.🤷‍♀️
“Do you want to go back to Czech Republic?”
“No. My brother lives on Key West so I want to go there.”
“Oh. Do you already have a job and a place to stay there?”
“I will live in my brother´s place until I find my own, and I will find a job when I arrive there. I don’t like working construction, and there I can work at a bar or restaurant. My brother works at restaurant too. Rent is higher there but my brother told me that he gets good tips so it´s no big deal. In addition, there´s nice weather the whole year so you can spend your free time on the beach. And what´s here in Trenton? Trenton is a ghetto.”
“I´m happy for you. When are you leaving?” I felt sorry that The Young One was leaving but I wished him all the best.
“First week in November, and I would like you to go with me.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I love you, and I want to be with you.”
“Stop it! My life is here. You are too young so you can´t know what you want, that’s why you need to go and try until you find your right place. I understand.”
“You don’t. I know what I want. I want a life with you on Key West. What is holding you here? Do you like your life here?”
“I got used to it. I have been here for a long time, and I almost feel at home here. I know that Trenton is not a fancy place, but I´m better here than I was in Slovakia.”
“But I´m not taking you to Slovakia.”
“I know but I haven’t been to Kew West yet, and I don’t know if I would like it there. And what about a job? Starting from the beginning again?”
“What is most important for you?”
“You know that. Writing.”
“Exactly! You can take that with you. Nothing is holding you here. So why stay here if you can live in a warm place with me? You don’t need to worry about a job. I will take care of you and you can lie on the beach and write the whole day.”
“Are you crazy?”
“I´m crazy about you. I will do anything to make you go with me.”
“I will think about it.”

The Young One kept pressing me until he convinced me to go with him. I had two weeks to make all the arrangements. Since my rent contract was signed until April, I couldn’t leave just like that. Fortunately, my friend and her boyfriend were currently looking for an apartment so they took mine and I could leave without causing any trouble with the owner. They kept my furniture so I didn’t have to search for a buyer, but I still had to figure it out what I would do with the rest of my stuff. I arrived in America with one suitcase, but now it was impossible to pack all my things into only one suitcase.🤦‍♀️ I had plenty of clothes, cosmetics, books and so on. The things that I didn’t want to give up, I packed into boxes and sent them to our new address in Key West and the rest, I donated or threw out.

I quit my job, and my boss wasn’t happy about it at all but he didn’t have any other option but to accept it. I literally couldn’t bear the cleaning job anymore, and I already saw myself mixing drinks somewhere on a beach.🍹🍸🏖️ I couldn’t believe that my life completely changed suddenly. I was very excited about the change that was waiting for me. I had enough of the Trenton routine, and the truth was that everything reminded me of Mike over there. I needed to change my surroundings so that I could forget him and finally start to live again.

On Halloween, we had a farewell party. My costume was Harley Quinn from the movie Suicide Squad. The actress, Margot Robbie, who played her is beautiful and I like her very much. I wanted to be sexy exactly like Harley Quinn. When I put on my costume, did the make-up and hair exactly like Harley, I looked in the mirror and I realized how much we have in common. Harley Quinn was a psychiatrist who gave up on everything because of love. I´m a bit of a psychologist, who tries to help, to give some advice, to motivate and to suggest through my writing. Because of men I gave up on a lot of things too; my dreams, my honor, my dignity, and my job. Moreover, I am a hot, crazy blonde just like her. 😁😊😇 As I looked in the mirror, I suddenly got it. Everything fit together like a puzzle, and I knew exactly what I should do.💡

Quinn. Sounds like queen. My humiliation. Not appreciating myself. Low self-confidence. Every woman is a queen. Even Harley Quinn was the queen; the clown queen of crime. Crazy one, but still the queen. We all deserve more. We deserve to be treated like a queen. Writing. My story. Lesson. Crown. Queen. Barbara. Klara. Quinn. Klara. Kueen. Barbara Kueen. I had these words in my head and from that line my future came out, “As a writer, my pen name will be Barbara Kueen.”💡✍️🙌🤩😎👑👑👑

It´s hard to describe that feeling. It was like enlightenment. My whole life, I was lost and I didn’t know what I wanted, where I wanted to go and with whom I wanted to spend my life. Suddenly, I knew it all very well. I knew that I wanted to be the writer Barbara Kueen. I didn’t know where and when yet, but I was sure that one day it will happen.☝️ I knew that one day I will succeed. I knew what and how I had to write. I finally had clarity, and it let me see my future. 🔭 It might seem ridiculous, but it was like that. I swear that I underestimated myself my entire life, and I felt lost, but in that moment, I saw myself as a perfect woman 👓💁👑 and finally, I felt that I found myself. For me, the feeling when I finally got to know myself fully was the top of happiness. The funny thing is that I got to know myself at the moment when I looked like a clown. 😅🤡

Word to the wise:

Pretty/Ugly by Abdullah Shoaib
I´m very ugly
So don’t try to convince me that
I am a very beautiful person
Because at the end of the day
I hate myself in very single way
And I´m not going to lie to myself by saying
There is beauty inside of me that matters
So rest assured I will remind myself
That I am a worthless, terrible person
And nothing you say will make me believe
I still deserve love
Because no matter what
I am not good enough to be loved
And I am in no position to believe that
Beauty does exist within me
Because whenever I look in the mirror I always think
Am I as ugly as people say?
(now read it from the bottom up)

Our biggest enemy is ourselves. ☝️ Women, you need to know your value and remember, no matter what, you are A QUEEN! 👑👑👑 Make your own rules, dream big and never underestimate yourself! You can do whatever you want. You can make your dreams come true. Everything is in your head. Stay positive!☝️😉😘

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