After Mike´s departure, I was devastated. I still loved him but I knew that we couldn´t be together. We were engaged, we planned a common future, but we failed. Actually, I failed as a fiancé because I broke my promise that I gave him. I betrayed our love. I chose to follow my own dream over spending our lives together. I know it sounds horrible when I say that I could choose one or the other because having both didn’t work. Unfortunately, it´s like that. Mike wanted to go back to Slovakia already, and I didn’t. Mike wanted children already, and I wasn’t ready. Mike saw me as his wife, but I saw myself as a writer. I couldn’t dedicate my life to him and to children until I became who I wanted to be. First, I wanted to achieve my aim; make my dream come true, and then I could start a family. Mike didn’t understand. He didn’t support me and he hurt me by doing this.
Before the Summer, when I was laying at home with a pinched nerve in my lower back and thinking about my writing carrier, I decided to apply to an online magazine as a reporter. They hired me. 🤘 I was incredible happy, and I finally felt that I was capable of something. I felt interesting, talented and creative. 😊 Finally, I could be something more than only a simple cleaning lady. When I told Mike, he didn’t share my enthusiasm. Anyway, what could I expect, right? 🤨 I knew why I didn’t tell him anything about my writing and applying for the job. I was afraid that he would spoil it with his negative attitude. I told him about it after I was officially hired and they published my first article. Do you think that he was proud of me? He was not. 😞 All he said was, “Do you think that you will earn some money like that?”
I thought, “Go fuck yourself with all that money!! 😡 I don’t do it for the fucking money! It´s my hobby. I love writing. I love making up stories. I want to take everything out from me and publish it as a book. Until that happens, I need to start somewhere.” His reaction disappointed me, but the even bigger knock came when I told him my whole plan.
“I know I´m not gonna earn money for it. It´s only a after-work hobby. I don’t wanna work as a reporter and describe what happened. I want to write a story; my own thoughts and reflections. Maybe, somebody will notice my way of writing and will offer me collaboration. Then I will send them my manuscript and they will publish my book.”
“Do you really think that somebody important checks these websites or even reads those articles? Do you know how many people write something at home and send it to publishers, and nobody will ever publish them? Even if they would publish your book, do you think you would earn money from it? Who reads books today? Everything is online. Nowadays, only grannies buy books.”
Mike totally put me down.😔 I knew that I couldn’t ask for any support because he was just an ordinary guy with an ordinary view of life, but I really didn’t expect that he would put me down like that. In that moment, I realized how different we are. How we don’t match each other. I had enough of his pessimism and bad energy. I had enough of his dreams about a house, and saving money for it. Fuck the money!🖕🖕🖕 I will publish my book📚 even if I wouldn’t earn a cent for it. Even if nobody would want to publish it, even if I would have to invest money into it, I will do it! I will do it even if it´s the last thing I do.💪 Because I have to do it. Writing is rehab for me and by writing I heal my soul. I want to leave something of myself behind here in this world, and I believe that my book may even change someone´s life. Maybe I will save some girl from jumping under a train because of her miserable love life (see The Man Who Killed me). Maybe thanks to my book, some girl will understand that starting an affair with a married guy is not worth it (see The Married Guy). Maybe thanks to me, some girl will settle her priorities and will understand that sleeping with a friend´s lover is not right, if she doesn’t want to lose her friend (see Just Another Asshole). Maybe I will rescue some girl from pregnancy, a sexually transmitted disease (see When I Was Pregnant) or prostitution (see Fall to the Bottom). Who knows? Even if my words would move only one young woman, my effort would be worth it. And Mike can go fuck himself with all his pessimism!🖕
This was the end of our love. 💔 It was over for our plans. There were no more Us. There was only he and I. He came back to Slovakia and I stayed in America.
In July, Nela came to America for three months to earn some money. She didn’t earn much in the UK as an au pair, but at least she improved her English so well that she spoke it perfectly. Later when she comes back to Slovakia, she wants to find some normal job and settle down.
For a month we hadn’t been anywhere because I wasn’t in mood after my break up, and Nela was just getting used to physically hard work so she didn’t have much energy to party either. In her free time, she Googled job offers and did online interviews. One day, she got an answer from a company located in Prague, that they will hire her as a financial analyst. Nela was very excited and I was excited too. It was a big deal. Finally, one of us got a decent job. Not a waitress, a cleaning lady or an au pair. Nela earned a good job at a good company for good money. I was proud of her.😊 Are you asking me if I was jealous of her that she would leave America in two months, she would finish her cleaning job, would get employed and live an organized life while I would stay cleaning in America?🤔 Probably, I was a little. 🙈 Nela constantly tried to persuade me to search for some job in Europe and come back with her. She said that I could write even over there and she was right. Nothing kept me here in America anymore. Nevertheless, I had been living in America for four years and I was used to it. I couldn’t call it home yet, but I didn’t have a home in Slovakia either. When I lost Mike, I also lost my confidence and I felt lost. I didn´t know what to do.🤷♀️
In the evening when Nela received the good news, we went out to celebrate it properly. 🥂🍸🍹🍾 We got tipsy at home and then we somehow staggered to the bar. It was the first time that I went to our local bar. Can you believe it? A girl from East Slovakia went to the bar in America for the first time after four years! 🤦♀️ It sounds incredible but it´s true. At the bar, guys started to come onto us of course. Nela wasn’t interested in any of them because she was so happy about her new employment that she really didn’t want to fall for someone here. She already saw herself packing her suitcases and flying to Prague. I talked for awhile with some Czech guy, but physically I wasn’t attracted to him at all, and when I found out his age, I thought whether it isn’t necessary to breastfeed him.😅😇🤱 Naïve kid was only twenty one years old and I was about to turn twenty eight in three months. I´m not saying that there would be a problem with sex, but as I said before, he wasn’t my type. Anyway, because of our huge age difference there would be no possible connection or anything else between us. For the first time I felt old👵 but he didn’t mind my age at all. He asked for my phone number and said that he would love to see me again. I thought that the kid probably wants to know how it feels having an older lady in the bed.🤔🤭 I felt like a MILF even we hadn’t slept together. Anyway, the interest of a young guy flattered me a lot, especially when I was hurt because of the break up.
Eventually, The Young One called me and he was seriously interested in meeting. I refused because the last thing I needed was to fall for some young guy and get crazy. I needed to focus on my writing career, and I also needed to decide, as soon as possible, whether I would stay in America or would leave to go to Europe with Nela. I couldn’t waste my time with The Young One. Even though we didn’t meet, we still stayed in touch daily by texting. I must admit that he could cheer me up, make me laugh and make my day at work.😁
For the next two weeks we chatted a lot, even until late into the night, until we finally met. We walked around the neighborhood and talked. We talked a lot, long and about everything. I confessed to him about my hard break up, and he also told me about his ex. I told him about my writing plans, and he said that he writes too, but poetry. For the first time, I could speak openly about my thoughts and dreams. I could confess to him how much I wanted to become a writer. How much I want people to know my name and buy my books. He understood. He supported me and believed that I could do it. He showed me his positive attitude. In comparison to Mike, who criticized everything and was negative about everything, it was amazing to hear that someone actually believed in me. On the other hand, let´s be honest here, he could just have been saying what I wanted to hear because he wanted to fuck me.🤔🤨 I wasn’t a naïve bimbo anymore, who believes everything she is told, but it was still nice to hear it because it gave me self-confidence, even if he actually wouldn’t mean it.
The Young One talked so maturely, and he had the right opinions about life, that I almost forgot how old he was. He didn’t seem like a twenty-one year old kid who didn’t know what he wanted. I was overwhelmed by him but in the end we didn’t even kiss that night. He didn’t try anything even though he was constantly saying how pretty and sexy I was. We said innocent ´good bye´ and that was it.
Since the time Nela was hired at her new job, we were clubbing every weekend. Nela didn’t have to prepare for any interviews so she could freely enjoy her last moments in America. On weekdays, I dedicated my free time to writing, and on the weekends, I was ready to hit the dance floor. 💃 I enjoyed drinking and clubbing. I didn’t feel like thinking about the future and about what I actually should do. I just wanted to forget how lost I was. I searched for consolation in The Young One arms. Yes, that was what I needed; a young guy who has his whole life ahead of him. I wanted to be young again! I didn’t want to have any responsibilities. I didn’t want to think about serious topics like a job, a family, settling down, the future… I just wanted to have fun.
I started to spend more time with The Young One. I visited him after work and stayed there until night. We talked a lot, we wrote together and then we read it to each other. It was awesome! We got along very well. I hadn’t felt such a connection for a long time. I was attracted to him mentally so much that I forgot that I didn’t like him physically before. I felt so good with him that sometimes I thought about him fucking me. 🙈 I imagined how it would be. After all, for the last three years I was only with one guy so I was a little bit concerned. But the truth was that I was too horny to remember all my fears. From the beginning I thought that The Young One was only interested in sex with an older lady but he obviously wasn’t because I spent hours with him in his room, and he didn’t try anything at all. I started to think that I was too old even to have sex with him.🤨🤔🤦♀️
At the end of September, Nela was supposed to go back home. She still tried to persuade me to go with her, but I wanted to stay a bit longer. I felt that America had some more surprises for me. 😜 It wasn’t time to go home yet.
Before Nela´s departure, we organized a farewell party in my apartment. We invited a few people that we got to know at the bar when we were partying a lot. Since I wasn’t with Mike, I was going out often, I met a lot of new people and in general, my social life increased rapidly. The Young One also showed up at the farewell party. He couldn’t move away from me for the whole time. At my place, we ate, drank and then we went to the bar. We danced there and at about 2 am we decided to go home. Nela with a few friends went to an after-party at one of her friend´s place. I was already too drunk, and I knew that if I continued drinking, I would be dead the next day.🤮😵 I preferred going home to sleep. The Young One walked me home.
When we reached my place, The Young One kissed me.💋 It was the first time after two months of knowing each other. My heart beat like crazy, and I literally felt like a teenager. 🙈 I was very drunk so it definitely had some influence on my perception of reality. But it felt amazing! The fact that a younger guy wanted me flattered me incredibly.☺️ I hadn’t had any sex for three months, and I wanted him so much, that I forgot that I was on my period.🙈
We were both drunk as hell, kissing the whole time, but we somehow crawled to my apartment. The Young One started to undress me, and when he wanted to put his hand into my panties, I remembered that I had my period. 🙈 I backed up and told him that we couldn’t. I felt like an idiot but he didn’t lose his appetite. He told me that he didn’t mind and we could do it anyway or we could do anal, if I didn’t have a problem with it. Hearing the word ´anal´ I got goosebumps. 😖 I remembered the unpleasant memories of Andreas. (see Fall to the Bottom) I remembered how he punished me with pleasure while I was suffering with tears in my eyes. (see Punishment) Thinking about it, suddenly I became absolutely sober.
“Would you like to have a drink?” I asked him.
“Do you need to have some to relax?”
“Yea, something like that.”
I poured a drink for both of us. I added twice as much alcohol to my drink than his and drank it at once. After a few minutes, I was in the same drunk state as before so I was ready to continue where we stopped.
“Do you have a condom?”
“Oh my God! Did you even prepared? You wanted to fuck a girl and you didn’t take a condom? Oh my God, today´s youth!” I laughed at him.
“Why are you asking? You have your period anyway.”
“For security and hygiene.”
“If you mind, we can leave the sex for next time.”
“Okay.” I agreed because we didn’t have a condom and I really didn’t want anal sex.😣🤢
We had another drink and kissed again. We were both pretty drunk and horny. We couldn’t stop. We couldn’t wait until my period ended. We wanted it right then and there. His kisses and touch made me so crazy that I agreed to anal.🤦♀️ I still can´t believe how I could let it happen after all my bad experiences, but I did and I don’t regret it. 🤭 It wasn’t bad at all. Actually it was good. I even had an orgasm. 😎☺️🤘Well, I´m not 100% sure.🙈 After all, I was very drunk, but I know that I felt very good. It wasn’t unpleasant at all, and I absolutely didn’t think about Andreas. The Young One broke the curse. He broke my trauma that I had from anal sex, and he even made it pleasurable for me. I didn’t believe that it would ever happen, but he did it.🤝😁😇
After we finished, we laid down next to each other and he expressed his feelings.
“I love you,” he said.
“Stop it! Alcohol and endorphins are talking.”
“I mean it. I can repeat it for you tomorrow. I´ve loved you for a while, but I was afraid to tell you.”
“Look, we had good sex and that’s it. We don’t have a common future. There´s a huge age difference between us. I´m an old goat compared to you.”
“But a beautiful goat.” The Young One laughed and kissed me. He stopped talking because he realized that trying to make me believe in his love didn’t make sense then.