The weekend came and I spent it home alone as usual. I bought a bottle of wine, and I drank it all. When I was drunk, I texted Simon. I set up a profile on Facebook again because of him. We chatted until night. 🌛 Our conversation turned into flirting of course, and I still thought that he was just a kid who wants to fuck me, but I fell for him anyway. And why? Because I was defenseless against men. I had been without a man for a long time, and without young friendly person in general. So I was willing to catch up the first one, that showed any interest.🤦♀️
I started to dream again and I wanted to live again. My days weren’t about empty memories and thinking about the past anymore, they were about visions of the future. I started to believe that the fairy tale about Cinderella could come true. I told myself, “Barbara will do it! I´ll start live again. I won´t be afraid anymore, and I´ll do anything to make some progress in my life, so that I won´t stay in one spot anymore. I´ll do anything for it, even if it would mean I need to deny the existence of Klara. I need to erase sad, unhappy and broken Klara from my life. She never existed and she never will. Barbara showed up on the scene, and she will make the rules now. She will not be broken.”
“You wish but you are not so strong as you think. You jumped on the first man who is interested in you? But he was just a boy, not a real man. Shame. You are naïve dummy if you expect something more will happen between you two. It will be only sex and that´s it”, Klara buzzed in my head.
“Right, the one who was always used only for sex is talking”, I didn’t let her intimidate me.
“That’s why I´m telling you. Because I have experience. You feel up now because a young, rich guy likes you and you have expectations. You think you will start to live a big American dream but I´m telling you, after he fucks you, he will dump you. All your pink clouds will disappear like a bad smell.”
“Shut the fuck up! I have enough of you! I´m not you anymore! I will not live your life! Your fucking unhappy life full of mistakes and failure. You stayed in Europe. You don’t exist here. This is my life! My new beginning in America!”
“And who are you?”
“You are the only one who thinks so.” Klara smirked in my head. I had to get a rid of her. I already drank a whole bottle of wine so fortunately it was easy to fall asleep, and I didn’t have to argue with Klara anymore. 😴
Next time I went to clean up my favorite´s client´s house, I felt embarrassed to even show up there. After texting with Simon, it was pretty obvious that I liked him. Fortunately, that day he wasn’t at home. We met in their kitchen 10 days later in the morning. When he looked at me, I blushed.
“I missed you”, he said.
I stayed quiet.
“Can I hug you?”, he asked.
His parents and siblings were still home, and I didn’t want anybody to see us.
“I´m going to your room to wash the sheets.”
“Do you want me to go with you and hug you there?”
I thought, “OMG, you´re “intelligent”! Why else would I say that?” He was really slow. 🤦♀️
When we walked into his room, he hugged me, and a second later we started to kiss, not slowly and romantic but passionately and rough. The chemistry between us worked perfectly. He kissed my neck, my fingers played with his hair, he grabbed my butt, and we both knew that we wanted more. When I realized what I was doing, I couldn’t understand it. What was happening was absolutely inappropriate but I couldn’t fight it. It was so long since I had a man, and now when I finally had one, I didn’t want to let him go. But he was soooo young! After my last man who was 54 year old, it was a very pleasant change. Despite my desires, I had to stop it. After all, my sense of responsibility brought me back to reality.
Nothing happened that day, when we kissed for the first time. He was on vacation the next two weeks with his family, but we stayed in touch daily. He texted me “good morning sunshine” and “good night cutie” everyday. He talked sweetly to me, sent me pictures and videos, he texted that he missed me, and that he would be happy if I was there with him. I melted. 😊 I really fell for him, and it wasn’t too hard since nobody was so nice to me for a long time. Finally, somebody saw me and gave me their attention. Finally, I wasn’t invisible.
When they came back from vacation, and I came to their house to clean up, Simon and I couldn’t stop staring at each other but we had to be careful so that nobody noticed anything. Fortunately, his dad and brother left the house, but his mom and younger sister, who was sick 🤒, stayed. At around lunch time, his mom said that she had to go to the pharmacy, but she would be back soon.
I thought, “When exactly is it soon?”🤔 Of course Simon jumped on me as soon as his mom left. I refused him because I was scared that his mom would come back really soon.
“Don’t worry. We will be quick.”
“And what about your sister?”
“She is sleeping.”
“What if she wakes up?”
“Don’t be. I know you want it. Come!” Simon pulled me into his room, and fucked me. It was really very fast. So fast that I didn’t have time to enjoy it. I finally had sex after a long time, but it was so fast that I almost didn’t realized when it actually happened. 🤷♀️ He finished where I would only begin. I felt confused. I was so excited for it to happen that when it actually did, I was disappointed.😒
“Happy?”, I asked him when he was throwing away the condom. He nodded.
I looked at him, and I couldn’t believe that he actually asked this question seriously. 🤨 I thought, “Is this boy even aware what a woman´s orgasm looks like?” Okay, let´s not be naïve here. Of course, I didn’t expect him to make me come, but I hoped that at least I would be close. “Does he even know how a woman looks like when she is turned on?” Definitely, not like this! 🤨 This is how an upset woman looks like, who just experienced an absolutely useless fuck! This is not how a happy woman looks, but how a pissed off woman, who was used by another guy and she got nothing from it, looks like. 😡 So, why did he ask if I was happy?!? Of course, I wasn’t! I didn’t even answer. I put my clothes on and went back to work.
While I was cleaning up, I felt sorry that our sex ended so badly. I still liked him so my anger was gone pretty soon, and I hoped that next time it would be better. I believed that we would become lovers, and later maybe even something more. I thought, “I´m a nice and smart girl. After some time, he will stop feeling embarrassed of me, and we will be a cute couple.” 😊 I cleaned the floor while I flew in the clouds of my day dream.💭 With Simon´s arrival to the kitchen all my clouds disappeared, and I came back to reality. He made something to eat, and the whole time, he didn’t even look at me. I wanted to start a conversation with him, but as soon as I opened my mouth, he stopped me and said that I should be quiet because his sister is asleep. 🤫
WTF?!? I was speechless. His sister is sleeping?!? And when he fucked me in the room next to hers, it didn’t bother him then? 🤯 When he finished his lunch, he went to his room, and I didn’t see him the rest of the day. I had enough! He never treated me so coldly before. Since that day, I never received any text message from him.
For the next three weeks I didn’t see him because he was at a camp. He avoided me, when he came back. It was over. I felt like a fool. I let this young jerk use me. It was so embarrassing. I stupidly dreamt a big American dream. I felt embarrassed in front of myself. I felt embarrassed in front of Klara as well, and she enjoyed it.
“See? I told you “, Klara echoed in my head.
“Were you really so naïve that you actually believed a 20 year old kid from a rich family could be seriously interested in you?” Klara continued.
“Okay, I know. You don’t have to bring it up.”
“After 10 months without sex we were supposed to have one orgasm after another but because of your stupidity, we had absolutely useless sex.”
“It wasn’t absolutely useless. We can plant another flag. We haven’t had an American yet. Actually we never even had a younger guy.” I tried to see a bright side to all of it.
“Indeed! I haven’t realized. You are right. He was our first American, and first younger than us. “Two birds with one stone.” Eventually, he was a good catch”, Klara finally agreed with me.
Simon and I passed each other without a word until the end of Summer. He even stopped saying “hello.” He achieved what he wanted, and he didn’t need anything more. I wasn’t interesting enough for him anymore. Fortunately, he left for school in the beginning of September, and I didn’t have to see him anymore. It will be Christmas time when I would see him next, and I hoped that we both would forget about the whole embarrassing situation by then.🤞🙏
Word to the wise: Women remember! If a guy wants only sex from you and he gets it, you are nothing to him anymore. He will forget you like yesterday´s trash. Look at me, my young guy followed me like a puppy from the beginning, and when he finally got what he wanted, I no longer seemed to exist.