Chapter 4: When I Was Pragnant

Malta; the beautiful island; a small one, but breathtaking. I spent 6 weeks doing an English course there that summer. I went there with Nela and her boyfriend Larry. I’d been saving money the whole year for that course. It was pretty expensive plus living costs weren’t cheap either. I also didn’t want to miss anything, and I wanted to enjoy it all. Drinks, parties, shopping and more. 😉I didn’t pinch and scrape. I deserved it. I received my bachelor degree and this was my reward. 🙌Malta cost me a lot of money, but the real bill came after my return home. In the end, it cost me much more than I realized…

In Malta, we met another Slovak couple, two Czech girls (sisters) and one Czech guy. We had English classes three hours in the morning, then we had a lunch break and after that, we had another two hours of English. We finished at about 3pm and we spent afternoons on the beach.🏖 We had weekends off, so on Fridays and Saturdays we were partying a lot, and during the day, we just hung out, spent time on the beach or went for a trip around the island. Since the island is very small, we crossed it pretty fast. We saw historical parts of the cities, churches, squares, harbors and cliffs. We spent our free time together, the Slovaks and the Czechs. We went everywhere together as a group, all trips and parties. It was great! We had a lot of fun, but on the other hand, I didn’t have any chances to meet some of the locals to practice my English in real life. I didn’t mean to start an affair or a summer fling with anybody. I just wanted to improve my English. You know, I was still thinking about Edward, and especially about his weird behavior before I had left. I wondered what it would be like when I came back home. “Will he still want me? Will we still be dating? Does he miss me? Or does he have a replacement for me?” It was driving me crazy.

We spent all our time together as a group so small groups or couples who were already close were made closer. Of course, Nela and Larry, the two of them didn’t move away from each other. Neither did the other Slovak couple, Thomas and Monika. So the ones left out were me, the two Czech sisters, Diana and Marianna, and a Czech guy, Jacob. Jacob followed me everywhere I went, and he began to bother me. He was really annoying. I didn’t like him at all and I thought that Diana might be interested in him so I didn’t want to make any unnecessary drama and tried to stay away from him. But still, the whole situation was hilarious. He followed me like a puppy. “Do you need me to rub some cream on your back? I will be happy to do it…blah, blah, blah. I always wanted to visit Kosice. Everybody says that it is beautiful city. If I ever visit there, you can take me around… what do you think? Also, you can visit me in Prague. I will show you everything there. You can visit me right after we come back from Malta. There will still be plenty of time until the school term begins, so we can enjoy Prague together. I can also introduce you to my friends. I´m sure you will like them. They are awesome!…blah, blah, blah. I play chess. Do you play? If not, I can teach you…blah, blah, blah. Next year I would like to visit London. I have never been there, but I´m in love with that city. The Tower of London, Big Ben, Trafalgar square, Tower Bridge, The London Eye, Buckingham Palace and much more. It´s amazing! I´m so excited! What do you say? Would you like to go? I plan to go with three friends and I would be happier if you joined us….and blah, blah, blah.” “WTF?!🤦‍♀️ Shut the fuck up, dude!!!” I thought. He talked, and talked, and talked. I didn’t feel like listening to him anymore. I wasn’t interested in any of it and absolutely not in him! All I was interested in was Edward and what he was doing right now in Kosice.

It was Friday night and we went to a night club. That day I wore my new high heel shoes, which I had bought earlier that day, and I must confess I couldn’t deal with the pain of wearing them.😟 After only half an hour of dancing, I could barely stand on my feet. It hurt so much! It was only 10PM, and I knew we were going to be there for at least another 3-4 hours. I couldn’t imagine how I would manage. I didn’t want to leave early and alone. I didn’t feel like paying for a cab by myself because I couldn’t afford to waste so much money. It was cheaper to split the charge in four, right? 🤔I sat down at the bar and made the decision that all I could do was to sit there, move my head to the rhythm and wait until my friends danced themselves to death so we could go home. But of course Jacob had to join me at the bar. He sat next to me and he talked and talked. I didn’t have any more patience to listen to him. I had enough. I made an excuse that I needed to go to the restroom so that he would leave me alone for a while.

When I stood up on those heels, I felt such a pain that I lost my balance. Those fucking shoes rubbed my feet so badly that that pain was killing me, but they were so beautiful. Jacob, being a real gentleman, noticed my trouble and wanted to carry me to the restroom. I gave him a look and thought: “Are you nuts? No need to get crazy. I will somehow crawl there by myself.” But he was already drunk so he thought it was a really good idea. He really just wanted to show me he was macho so he grabbed me, threw me on his shoulder and carried me like a sack of potatoes towards the restroom. I must say it felt nice. I liked men of action, men who didn’t only have empty speeches, but could also act. Exactly like he did. Just grab a woman and show her who the man is. It was pretty hot!☺

I was in the restroom washing my hands, when a totally drunk Diana came in. I looked at her and I already knew it was not going to be an easy conversation with her.
She yelled at me, “Who do you think you are? You always need to draw all the attention to yourself and make yourself interesting, right? But I know that you are just making a fool out of Jacob. You will dump him as soon as you find someone else. But do you even really like him? I´m the one who really wants him!”

I knew she had drunk much more than she could handle but I wasn’t willing to tolerate her drama then.🤦‍♀️
I said, “You are right, I´m absolutely not interested in Jacob. Keep him and leave me alone! I´m not willing to discuss this bullshits here!”

Diana´s face was very green and I knew that in a few seconds something would come out from her mouth, but it wouldn’t be any venomous speech at me. I preferred turning back and made for the door, but just before I left, I could hear her throwing up. 🤢Yuck! I really had enough.

I was so upset. On one hand, I couldn’t have fun because my feet were on fire and on the other hand, there was Jacob, who followed my every step and now even his devotee, Diana, who started making a scene. I swear I was so pissed off! 😤I tried to sneak out without Jacob noticing me and I did it! 🤝I desperately needed a cigarette, otherwise I’d go crazy.

I sat down on a bench, took my shoes off and wanted to lit a cigarette. But as if fate was conspiring against me, I didn’t have a lighter with me. I thought, “I can´t put my shoes on anymore. These blisters would burst and in this condition, I couldn’t manage it back to the club! I needed to get from the bench to the club, then downstairs, then through the dance floor to the bar, where I could finally buy that freaking lighter! I´m just not able to do it!”😣

I began to think I would have to walk all that route barefoot carrying the shoes in my hands, when suddenly a young guy came up to me. He was probably my age. He started to talk to me so I used the opportunity and asked him for a lighter. Fortunately, he had one. We smoked a cigarette together, and I told him about my unpleasant situation with my new shoes. It was really nice to talk to him. I was so glad that finally I could speak English with someone because my only practice was a few conversations with Jacob during our English classes. Those conversations were unnatural, mechanical and absolutely not spontaneous.  On the other hand, what was happening right now was far more spontaneous. And I even liked him. Suddenly, I wasn’t thinking about Edward at all. This guy was handsome, attractive, nice, and he spoke English very well, so I could improve my language skills with him. He was all I could dream of as a summer fling. 😁

Suddenly Jacob stormed out of the club and when he saw us, me giggling and the Maltese guy staring into my eyes, both in lively conversation, he totally freaked out. He came to us and started yelling,
“Well, I´m waiting over there for you and you are just sitting here, flirting with this nigger, yeaa?!!” Fortunatelly, he said that in Slovak language so nobody understood.
I must point out that the Maltese guy wasn’t even a black guy, just a bit darker than us Central Europeans.
“Who is this? Your boyfriend?” the Maltese guy asked me. I don’t know his name and I don’t even remember if he even told me so from now on, I will call him The Maltese guy.
“No, he isn’t. I don’t have a boyfriend.” I answered him and then I turned to Jacob.
“Listen to me. Leave me alone! You’d better take care of Diana, she would be more than happy.”

Jacob´s face turned all red and he was speechless. I thought, “Is he such an idiot that he hasn’t noticed that Diana wants him? Hmm, perhaps he was into me so much that he was totally blind and only had eyes for me?”

I really appreciated that Jacob left without another word and he didn’t make a scene. Maybe he is a really desperate guy, who just found out that some chick is infatuated with him so he ran to her no matter if he really liked her or not. God… good for me that I didn’t start anything with him. 🤦‍♀️I really couldn’t stand a wimp. Up to now  I had only strong, resolute and manly men, not some soft guy (besides Mike of course). Yes, it is true that they mopped the floor with me, but anyway, they were men! Not pussies like him, who desperately chases girls, but once he finds out they are not interested in him, he moves on to the next bimbo who actually likes him. Oh, pathetic!🤦‍♀️

The Maltese guy took me to the beach. Yes, that’s right, at night, in the dark and to the beach! I know, it wasn’t very safe going with a stranger to the beach or anywhere else at night. He could kidnap me or something. But I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t go back to the club because I couldn’t put my shoes on anymore. I didn’t feel like sitting on the bench for another couple of hours so the beach seemed like a good idea. I didn’t need my shoes there. I could walk barefoot, right? There were lounge chairs on the beach so I could just lay down and listen to the murmur of the sea.🤗

We laughed a lot during our way to the beach. When we stepped onto the sand, we started to goof off. 😁We romped around and threw sand at each other. We just played like kids. It was great! Then he wanted to go in water. I was scared. It was dark outside and the water was totally black. I always kept clear of water and now, when I couldn’t see anything down there, even more so. He started to take his clothes off until all he left on were his boxers. I shook my head and thought: “No, no, no! I am not going to even touch that water!”

He came up close to me and kissed me. He started to unzip my dress. At that moment, Edward stopped existing. I wasn’t thinking about him anymore because I knew very well that he had slept with other women, and I was faithful to him like an idiot, even though I knew we didn’t have a real relationship. I didn’t feel guilty that I wanted to fuck that guy. I wanted him and he wanted me. “Let´s see what happens next”, I told myself.😉😇

When he undressed me, I expected him to lay me on the sand or a beach lounge, but instead, he just threw me across his sholder and carried me towards the water. I screamed and fought, but none of that helped. He threw me into the water. I was surprised that it was pretty warm, even at night. My fear passed. It felt awesome! The water was really pleasant. We went in only up to our waists; we didn’t go further. We splashed each other and had fun. It was amazing! I tried not to think that I couldn’t see anything in the water and tried to really enjoy it.

After a few minutes of playing and having fun, we started to kiss. It was hot and the fact that we were standing half-naked in the dark water made it even hotter. Since I met him,  everything was so spontaneous. And I was spontaneous as well. I had never left my friends before and went somewhere with a stranger. I had never ever been in a sea at night. And I had never ever had sex in the water! I wanted to be spontaneous, so I did it! I jumped on him and encircled my legs around his waist. It was a little weird because the water made me float, and he was losing his balance as he stood there with the waves pushing him. Well, it was really weird but it was still sex in the sea!!! Whoa!!! 🙌👏✌I hadn’t done that before and I couldn’t wait to tell Lea and Nela. I could vividly imagine Nela´s horrified face thinking “you let a stranger go inside you without a condom?” I could also picture Lea´s jealous face half-stunned that I really did it.😁

The sex continued on the beach. We already had a condom of course. I´m not stupid. It was only a moment in the sea and we agreed that he was not going to come inside me so I wasn’t afraid that he would get me pregnant. But something else flashed through my mind; whether he could give me some disease.🤔😒 I didn’t know him, and he might fuck tourists every day here. Anyway, the fact is that we didn’t have any protection in the water. It was a spontaneous thing and that we didn’t think it through all the way.

The consequences appeared when I came back home. Of course, after that night I never saw that guy again. We didn’t exchange contact information. We both knew it was only a one-night stand. I didn’t even know his name. Nothing!

The whole time I was in Malta, I didn’t have my period. And I was there for 6 weeks! I had already been at home for a week and still nothing! I started to freak out. I finally realized what a stupid thing I did. Yes, I boasted to my friends of what it was like. That it was romantic, erotic, exciting, exotic and I don’t know what else. I had sex in the sea! Hooray!! But what now? Now, I needed to face reality. But actually I couldn´t be pregnant though. We used a condom and in the water he didn’t come inside me. I was 100% sure of that. But what about a venereal disease? Perhaps, I don’t have my period because he gave me some disease.

I saw my doctor because I wanted to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. When I told him when I last had my period, he said that in my place that’s first thing he would be concerned about. He told me I could be simply pregnant.
“No way!” I replied.
He asked me if I had an unprotected intercourse and I said: “yes, but…”
And he said: “Well, in that case it is a chance you could still be pregnant.”
That totally shocked me. I even couldn’t remember my name. I was thinking: “I can´t be pregnant! I´m only 22! My parents will kill me! A child? And I didn’t even know whose?!”

There was no way, how would I even let The Maltese Guy know about it. I didn’t know a thing about him. Absolutely nothing! But there was still a chance it could be Edward´s. But I still refused to accept that I was really pregnant.

Well, we were always careful, Edward and I, but the truth is that we didn’t use condoms at all. He didn’t come in me though. I knew there was still a chance anyway. A little tiny chance. Was it really possible that it happened to me? NOOOO!!! I couldn’t believe it!!

The nurse gave me an injection to induce my period. She told me that if I did not get it in a week, I was supposed to come and they would solve the problem. I was supposed to come anyway because I needed my tests results, right? I let them test me because I wanted to make sure I was healthy, despite not showing any symptoms except missing period. Better safe than sorry.✌ I wasn’t spontaneous anymore but responsible. Ironic, right? Ugh, I was such an idiot then.🤦‍♀️

All next week I was so nervous. I waited and waited and still nothing! I didn’t get my period. I was getting scared but I still couldn’t believe that I could be pregnant. I couldn’t be pregnant… I just couldn’t!

After a week, I visited my gynecologist again. The results of the venereal disease test showed  that I was positive on two of them. Nothing serious. Antibiotics should help me. But I freaked out anyway. I wanted to be cured as soon as possible. But the doctor said that he wanted to do an ultrasound first so that he could find out whether I was pregnant or not. If I was, I would have to wait with the medical treatment until the baby was born, otherwise antibiotics might harm the baby. I thought, “ What the fuck is he talking about? What does he mean I have to wait until I give birth? Does he expect me to carry both the STDs and the baby for 9 months? Is he nuts? I´m not going to give a birth to anything. NO WAY! This can´t be happening! This can´t be really happening!!!”

The very next day I went to see the doctor for the ultrasound. I was frightened and I hoped it wasn’t true. I still believed that it really wasn’t. And if I was pregnant, I hoped it was Edward´s. I wasn’t even in touch with him after I came back from Malta, but still better than being pregnant with some Maltese guy, who also infected me with those diseases.

While the doctor was picking inside me with that ultrasound´s penis, he just murmured something that he couldn’t see anything. He said there was nothing. I was so relieved! For a second I was so happy, but then he said, “Wait a minute. There’s something here. Yes, it looks like a fetus. By its size I guess it is 3-4 weeks old.”

I literally died right then! All my nightmares were coming true! I asked him if there was a chance it was more like 2 months old. He replied that it definitely wasn’t. So it meant that the baby came from my Maltese adventure. That sex in the sea was pretty expensive. It cost me two sexual diseases and one fetus! That’s just great!!!☹

I made an appointment for an abortion right away. They gave me some blood tests and then I made an appointment to the hospital for the last pre-surgery check-up. I wanted it to be over as soon as possible. I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I didn’t even want it to be true. I thought, “The sooner I get rid of it, the sooner it won´t actually be real again! It will only be a past mistake. Nothing more. Just something that didn’t even happen. I will forget it. It simply didn’t happen and that’s it!”

I didn’t tell anybody about it. Absolutely no one. I couldn’t because I was so ashamed.

All those medical check-ups cost me some money and the abortion itself was supposed to cost me approximately 300 €. After that English course in Malta, my financial situation wasn’t very good. I spent a lot of money there, and I was supposed to spend the rest of my savings on the lasting consequences of that trip. I´m telling you that damned Malta cost me too much! To pile on more problems, after the surgery I still needed to treat those freaking diseases.

I thought, “What if I caused the abortion myself? I could throw myself down the stairs or something like that. I would save some money.” But I was sure that with my bad luck the baby would survive and it would be just me who would end up totally broken.

The entire situation made me very worried. I was exhausted and I wanted it to be over. I couldn’t even talk about it with anyone. I was totally alone! I couldn’t even tell Lea or Nela because I was so embarrassed. First, I told them what an amazing experience I had with that hot Maltese guy. I told them that I finally acted like a man. I took what I wanted and just kicked him aside. I told them how spontaneous I was, how I enjoyed it and look at me now? What was I supposed to tell them now? That I fucked it up? That it was absolutely not worth it? Not worth all these consequences? All this suffering? Yes, I was suffering! Suffering by myself. Alone! I was thinking about it all the time. But now I have to face the music. It was my mistake, my stupidity. I hope I at least learned a lesson.☝

So it finally came, I was in hospital. I went for the last check-up and the abortion was supposed to happen. I told myself, “I can do it! Am I really able to do it? Can I kill something that was supposed to be my child one day? I´m 22 years old, I´m not ready to become a mother. I couldn’t handle it! Financially or any other way. Who would help me? Nobody! If I had a partner, it might be different, but like this? There´s no way I could face it alone. I want it to be over and just forget about it. It is just not happening! This is not real!” I said that to myself all the time. I said it over and over. I still didn’t believe it. I didn’t feel like I was pregnant. It just didn’t seem real.

I came in and the doctor did the ultrasound. He was poking and prodding inside me and then he asked, “Who told you that you are pregnant?” His question surprised me.
“My gynecologist”, I responded.  Who else, right? Did I make it up and decided that I needed an abortion or what?
“Because I can’t see anything there. You are not pregnant.”

I swear you can´t imagine the happiness I felt. I was unbelievably happy! I knew it! I knew it the whole time! I had a feeling that it was not possible. That fucking doctor lied to me! He made a mistake and scared me to death! Because of him I suffered so much and I even considered deliberately causing a miscarriage. What if I went through with it in my despair? What if my psyche couldn’t handle like I did and I actually hurt myself? And all for nothing! Because of a doctor´s mistake! And what about money I’ve already spent for all those examinations? Because of that idiot I’ve had the worst two weeks of my life! I thought I was going to kill my baby for fucking sake!! He was not going to get away with it!😤😤😤

I sent a complaint to the authorities and I changed my gynecologist. That new one treated my unfortunate diseases and everything eventually ended well.

A few days after I found out that I was not pregnant, I got my period. I didn’t know why it was delayed so long. It was like someone was playing a joke on me. But probably it was caused by the change in climate. I spent more than a month in Malta, where it is very hot so that might be it. All in all, that month took a toll on me; financially and mentally.

Now I needed to celebrate of course, I still didn’t tell anyone. I wanted to keep it a secret. I still felt embarrassed about everything that happened and I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I also didn’t want anyone to remind me of it later. But anyway, I needed to take a break, just get drunk and totally relax and forget everthing.

In the evening I went downtown with Lea. Nela couldn’t join us because she was out of the city with Larry so it was only me and Lea…Well not exactly…how the rest of the night went, you already know (See Just Another Asshole).

Word to the wise:
Never have sex with some stranger without condom!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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