It was already 10PM when I arrived there. I picked him up for a “date”. Can you believe that? Me, the woman? 🙈God! I am telling you, it was all bad.
So we went to a bar. And he started, “You love me.”
I was speechless. WTF?! I said, “NO!” Of course I couldn’t tell him the truth. He said it was going to be only about sex and nothing else. I couldn’t confess that I fell for him anyway! Never! I was not going to humiliate myself that way!
Several months ago, he already asked me if I love him, but it was always during sex. And my answer was always “no”. I thought that he was testing me. I was afraid that if I said “yes”, I would lose him right away, but once I did try it anyway. While we had sex I said that I loved him and he said, “Me too.” 😊Honest! However, we had never even talked about love. Never even mentioned it at all. It happened only once. I didn’t take it seriously because it was during sex and people say anything when they are excited, right? And now, after half a year when we barely spoke together and mostly argued, he just told me that I love him? I thought, “WTF is going on?” 😯🤔
He explained that when he got arrested, I was so scared that I freaked out, asked about him and so on…he found it out. The cops told him everything. They saw it, I couldn’t fake that I was not interested in him, when I actually was! It was very clear to everyone in the pub that a stupid waitress had fallen in love with her boss. I felt like a fool. I was sure, that they were making fun of me behind my back. And then I finally got it! That´s why he had changed so much. He thought I was in love with him and that’s why he ended it, that’s why he was nasty to me. He wanted me to stop loving him. He only wanted sex, nothing else. Perhaps, he was afraid that after some time I was going to persuade him about something more; force him to have relationship with me or something. Of course I hoped that one day we could be more than only lovers, more than an employer and an employee, but I would have never admitted it. I had my dignity. I expected him to make the first step. He was supposed to tell me first that he loved me and wanted to be with me. Not me! Begging for love?! Never ever!
Well, he kept talking and talking. He told me that there would be nothing more only sex; that he was still not divorced; that I shouldn’t hope for anything else…blah, blah, blah. I lost my temper. LOL,😅😅😅 I laughed it off so that he could see how ridiculous he sounded. I thought, “What did he think? That I couldn’t live without him or what?!” I made it clear to him that I hadn’t fallen in love with him at all, that I was worried about him, when he got arrested only because I was concerned for my job if he was thrown in jail. That’s all. So that’s how we closed that issue.
We drank that night and talked about other stuff. After midnight, we left the bar and he tried to persuade me to go with him to his place. It was the same scenario as always. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to fall into his trap again. He led me the whole time until I found myself inside his apartment. We were both pretty drunk. We laughed a lot, had fun, did crazy stupid things. But I knew I didn’t want to sleep with him. At least not like this! I wanted him to be really mine and not only for a few hours, and drunk. We ran all around his apartment. He tried to catch me and bring me to the bedroom. It was fun, but I got tired and wanted to go home. In the end, I did go home and nothing happened. He accepted it and called me a cab. I took an elevator downstairs, opened the gate and there were a few more stairs that led me to the street. I was wearing high heel boots. I had only one more step to take when I fell. I felt such pain in my ankle that my sight was foggy for a while.😓 🤕When the cab arrived, I stood up somehow, limped toward it and got inside. At home I could barely take off that shoe because my swollen foot. I was so tired and sore that I threw myself onto my bed and fell asleep right away. My last thoughts were, “Did you need this?! You could have had a pleasant evening with your friends but you wasted your time with that idiot. And you even got injured! Stupid dummy! You thought that he missed you, but all he missed was the sex, not you! Don’t forget that for fuck´s sake!”
The next day I went to the hospital. My leg was swollen but it wasn’t too bad. I put some ice on it and tightened it with a bandage and after two weeks I was all better. Everything was the same until one night when he got drunk again of course and I walked him home because he was so drunk that I thought he couldn’t manage it alone. I opened the door for him and wanted to leave, but he didn’t let me. So I went inside. We kissed, but he didn’t try anything else. I told him that I was tired and wanted to go home to sleep. I was supposed to work next day. He said that I could sleep over there.
“What about your wife? Aren´t you afraid anymore that she can come here in the morning and find me here?”, I asked. He didn’t mind. Btw they were still not even divorced yet. That night it was first time that I stayed all night long. And without any sex!! Big deal! I didn’t understand. Suddenly, everything was different than before. I still had feelings for him. But now even much more! 😍
“He really let you stay for the whole night? Until morning? Wow! That’s a step in the right direction!” Lea said.
“I don’t see it as such a big deal! Klara said that he was so drunk that he could barely stand on his own two legs. I´m sure he didn’t even know what he was saying. And the fact that he didn’t try to fuck you, Klara, doesn’t mean that he loves you. I think he was so drunk that he couldn’t make it stand up. That’s all. Btw I´m surprised that you stayed there and that you even walked him home! Why do you even care? He keeps humiliating you and you are still so nice to him. He doesn’t deserve it at all! You should have let him get home by himself.”
“Well, well Nela! It´s not like you. What happened that you are being so mean now?”
“She is right. Do you know what happened the next day? I woke up earlier, he was still asleep. I went home to have a shower and get changed and then I went to work. I thought the same, that it was a huge deal that I stayed all night at his place. I was hoping that maybe something had changed, but nothing changed! When he came to the bar, he was being mean again.”
“Was he fucking talking about how you are fucking stealing from him again?” Nela was really upset.
“No, now it was my figure what bothered him.”
“You heard me. He said, that I´m fat, that I should do something about that, that he is 10 years older, but he takes care of himself, he works out, he eats healthy and blah, blah, blah…”
“That shit that comes out of his mouth is unbelievable! What a dick!”
“I know I´m not a model, and honestly I was wondering why he´s attracted to me anyway. But I thought he liked me the way I am.”
“Don’t fret because of a jerk! You have boobs, butt, hips. Everything what a normal man likes. And if he has a problem with it, then he is an idiot!”
“Exactly! Don’t think about it at all! Listen, we’re going to Italy soon! You will find a cute hot-blooded Italian there who’ll make you forget that motherfucker.”
“I can´t wait! What a shame you can´t go with us, Nela.”
“I know, but I prefer to go to Malta with Larry for that English course. It will be for the first time that we’ll spend 2 months together nonstop. I hope we will not kill each other.”
“At least, you will try to live together and you will see if it works.”
“Exactly! It will be like a test.”
That day there was a deep cleaning day at work. On Saturday evening, we closed the bar earlier and my coworker and I were supposed to clean it up from the top to bottom. We barely started when our boss turned up in with his friend. Of course they were drunk. What could we expect, right? He started going after me again.😤 While I worked, he insulted me, upset, offended and humiliated me. I had enough!😡 I stopped dreaming that one day it would be better. I stopped apologizing for him; that he just had a hard time with the divorce, that he´s suffering, that’s why he drinks but he will give it up and everything will be all right. Maybe he has feelings for me as well but he is scared to admit it. One day we will be together, maybe.
Bullshit!!! At that moment I finally got it! I let everything out! All that anger I had kept inside for a very long time. I said things like, ”You owe your mom, for all you have, …even that bar you didn’t set up alone, she bought it for you….you didn’t reach anything by yourself…you are a fucking alcoholic…I feel sorry for you…No wonder why your wife left you…” I made him furious. He was so aggressive. He walked toward me until he was very close. He screamed at me, but I screamed back. My coworker and his friend were watching us with their mouths open. He pushed me. I lost my balance, but I didn’t fall. That gesture made me even more angry. I thought, “What does he think he is doing?! Is he going to push me?! I am not his toy!”😡 We kept arguing. He lost his temper and wanted to hit me. When he lifted his hand towards me, his friend jumped in between us and tried to get him away from me. He really scared me at that moment. I thought he would hit me and I would fall on the floor. He was very aggressive. As his friend was pulling him away, he was fighting like an animal, tearing and jerking. He wanted to beat me. I was shaking. I took my stuff and left.
It was over. I never came back. I didn’t even cry. I´m serious, I didn’t cry! It was anger what was inside me, not sadness that I lost love or something. Nothing like that. I was pissed off, not broken. My first experience with a married man (see Man, Who Killed Me) broke me so hard but made me so strong that I couldn’t fall in love with this asshole that much. It wasn’t a big disappointment, I got over it quickly and forgot it like yesterday news.
The summer was approaching and I was very excited about Italy, where I was supposed to go for a summer job with Lea. We were supposed to leave right after exams. The week before we left, He called me. Like on purpose! And I thought that I would be able to leave in peace. He wanted to torture me before I left or something. I wondered what it was this time. He wanted to meet me and have a talk and I agreed. I waited for him in front of the bar, where we were drinking when I hurt my leg. I was nervous so I had to light a cigarette. After a few minutes he came and we went inside. Though it was him who wanted to meet me, I was the one who was talking all the time. I said everything. How he was behaved, what he did, how I felt. I told him that I liked him, but he had ruined everything. But I did not admit that I had fallen in love with him. Not once! I mentioned of course that I was going to Italy. I thought, “What was he thinking? That I would beg him for some summer work? That I will beg for his love? That I need him? Never! I don’t need him! I don’t need his love! I don’t need him to give me a job! I´m doing pretty well by myself!”😛
“Did he apologize for all the things he did to you? For all those insults and for almost beating you?” Nela asked me.
“I don’t even know. I was talking too much that I didn’t give him a chance to say much. You know that he is a self-important jerk who doesn’t realize what he is doing wrong. So I needed to tell him that. I told him how he was behaving, what an asshole he was, but I also showed him that I don’t care and that I´m fine without him.”
“And you did well! Don’t let him think that you are a broken pitiful soul.” Lea supported me.
“Of course not!”
“You really loved him?”
“Just a little. I must have liked him, otherwise I wouldn’t have let him to insult me so long, right? But I definitely didn’t love him as much as I loved the Liar.”
“Ironic, isn’t it? You dated some guys after The Liar. You could have picked Robert, Michael or Mathew. Or a guy from the club, there were plenty of them who were interested in you, but you were supposed to end up with the same type of guy as last time. Exactly the same: married, kids, the same year of birth, both assholes, the difference is that the first one lied to you and the other one humiliated you and pushed you.”
“I wouldn’t mention Mathew, he is just another story. And none of those party guys! What happens in the club, stays in the club. It´s like it didn’t even happen.”
We all laughed out loud.
“Anyway, none of this was real dating. We just met a couple of times and that was it. I wasn’t interested in anything else. Even Robert or Michael, they both were cute, but I just couldn’t.”
“When will you forget him? The Liar?” Nela felt sorry for me.
“I don’t know.”
“And did you tell the boss we are going to Italy?”
“So? How did you say good bye?”
“We went to his place from the bar as usual.”
“Jesus! Klara! Why?”
“I couldn’t say “no”. He coaxed me. But we didn’t have sex. He didn’t even try. We just laid down and slept. It was a nice goodbye. In the morning, he saw me off and said: Goodbye my little Italian girl.”
“Ooh, that’s so cute.”
“At that moment I saw my old good boss again. That one I liked very much. For a second I thought I would kiss him goodbye, but I knew it was not going to only be a kiss. So I turned around and left.”
“You said nothing?!”
“Nothing at all? No goodbye?”
“Absolutely nothing. You know, there was no need to say anything. We just stared at each other for a while and we knew everything. Everything was very clear. I knew he had feelings for me, but it was just not enough. We both knew I had to leave, that I was supposed to focus on my plans, because if I stayed and we started all over, it wouldn’t have ended up well. It was bad enough already.”
“Waw, you ended it nicely, so maturely.”
Later I found out on Facebook that he had gone back to his wife. I saw pictures from their vacation. Everything was very clear. All that time he was with me, he was also trying to go back to her. That’s why even if he had some feelings for me he denied them and that’s why he was so mean to me; he wanted to ruin everything that actually worked between us. He wanted her. He wanted his family back. I knew that his daughter was first in his mind. He wanted to be with her, that’s why he was fighting for his wife even though she had hurt him. I knew he still loved her. He might have liked me, but always loved her. She was his first and true love. He will never stop loving her. She is his wife! She gave him their daughter, the purpose of his life. I was only his lover. I would never be more than that. I would always be the second one. And I can do better! Fortunately, I realized it in time and then, before leaving for Italy I made the right decision. At last! I was right to have resisted and not kissed him, I was right to have turned around and leave without a word. It was a good point in the end. I´m so proud of myself for it. 😊
A word to the wise:
Dear ladies, don’t trust married men! They will not give up on their families! The wife will always come first no matter what happens. If you mess with a married guy, you will always be second. You can keep telling yourself for a while that he is not happy with her, that he will leave her because of you, but that’s not true, at least 90% of the time. You see, this guy getting divorced even before I started to sleep with him. He hated his wife, he wished her dead (he said that) and in the end, they got back together anyway.