1st chapter: The Man Who Killed Me

I was 19 years old when I met him, the man who killed me. I was doing pretty fine, just fine, until he came and ruined everything. After the break up with Mike, I tried to live my life, tried to stop thinking about him and just concentrate on myself. I was in my last year of high school, so there was plenty of studying. I was also working as
a bartender/waitress in a small pub, so I spent my weekends at work. But besides all my responsibilities, I still had time to hang out with my besties, Petronela, who we call Nela, and Lea. Nela was remarkably intelligent and very beautiful. Lea knew everything and was very hot. I was cute, kind and also smart. Together, we were the best threesome!

 

It was a weekend and I spent it at work as usual. On Sunday evening, the pub was almost empty and I was eagerly waiting for the end of my shift and “hooray!” home. An hour before I was supposed to close, he came. Let´s call him The Liar. That fits him well. But at that time I didn’t know that yet. He was a gorgeous, handsome, funny and a very interesting guy. I liked him from the very first moment I saw him, and I can tell, without sounded conceited, that he liked me too. 😊 When he ordered for him and his friend, he asked, “Two beers and a smile please.” 😃😊 I melted.

Then he bought me a drink and asked me to sit down with them so I did. He told me he came to Slovakia to see his family for Christmas. He actually lived in Sydney, Australia. I almost passed out. “He lives in Sydney? OMG. That is sooo cool. I haven’t met anybody from so far away yet!”These thought crossed my mind. I wanted him to tell me everything about Australia. So he talked and talked and talked. It was sooo interesting. I found him kind of exotic  😎,even though, he was originally from Slovakia like me. His friend left the bar after a while. It must have felt weird for him; the two of us talking and flirting and poor him just sitting there. We kept talking and talking, even an hour after last call. He talked about his first day in Sydney, his work, Slovak community in Sydney, Australians, the weather, sharks and surfing, snakes and kangaroos, parrots and koalas and even how a poisonous spider bit him. I ate up every single word he said. It was love at first sight. He was The One!!!❤️❤️❤️

I was so excited the next day at school that I had to tell Nela and Lea everything. Finally, an interesting man came into my life and he actually liked me. I couldn’t believe it!
“Well it seems like you met Mr. Perfect.”, said Lea.
“How old is he?”Nela asked.
“He will be 30 soon.” I answered.
“OMG!!! Klara, he is 10 years older?!”
“So what? The older ones are better. They don’t behave like children, they know what they want, and for the most part they are sensible. He is successful. He already built up his business so Klara, you won´t go through any financial struggles with him. You don’t have to do anything; just be with him and enjoy his success! And if he takes you to Australia, that will be sooo cool!! You should keep him.”
“Jesus, Lea! You know I am not a gold-digger. I´m not thinking about anything like that! What am I? Some bitch, who is on his arm, just because he has money? Not at all!!! I really do like him. He is really handsome and he also has a nice body, so muscular. And while we were talking, my heart was beating so hard that I could actually feel it in my throat. I´m telling you. It was love at first sight.”
“Show us how he looks.”
Lea handed me her phone because mine wasn’t able to connect with WiFi, and I showed them his pictures on Facebook.
“God! He looks old!” Nela was horrified.
“Stop exaggerating! Ten years older is not so much.”
“But he looks really old next to you. He really looks like a 30 year old man. I would guess he is even older. And your face is very youthful. You will still look young for a very long time, and he will look like your dad next to you. I definitely can´t imagine you two together.”
“Nela, you don’t have to imagine us together. I can imagine it and that’s enough.”
“Klara, wait a minute! Who is this? Have you seen all his pictures?”
,,Not yet. Why?”
“Because here he is with some children. And he has plenty photos with them, in Sydney and in Slovakia as well. Are they his?”
“I have no idea, he didn’t say anything yet. We didn’t speak about private stuff. Show me!”
He had a lot pictures with a girl and a boy. I would say these kids were about 10 years old. I thought, “Is it possible that he has children that are so old? It means that he was very young when he had them. Maybe they are just his niece and nephew. And who is this woman? Hmm, maybe his ex? Maybe the mother of his children? But they are not in a relationship. Hmm, we´ll see what he says.”

The next weekend, he came to the bar with his cousin. They sat down at the bar so they could speak with me, and got drunk. After a few drinks he had some more courage. He came behind the bar and wanted to kiss me. I didn’t let him and I turned my head away. I didn’t want him to think that I am easy and that I was going to kiss him just like that. Not to mention, I was at work so it was really inappropriate. So, he kissed my hand, like a proper gentleman. It was pretty romantic. We exchanged our phone numbers, and the next day, he asked me for a date. We were supposed to meet after I finished school to have lunch together.

I was very nervous that day. I absolutely couldn’t concentrate on school and I was thinking about him all day. It was our first date! We would be alone together for the first time! I was scared. “What is it going to be like? Am I dressed properly? What will we talk about? I hope there will be no awkward silence! OMG, I have a date with him! Just you and me, babe! 😍” I told myself.

We met downtown, but he didn’t know the city very well because his last visit was a long time ago. He told me to pick the place where we would eat, and that evoked a lot of thoughts in my head: “Where? I can´t choose an expensive restaurant because he could think I am trying to be snobby. And I can´t choose a cheap one either because I will look like a poor trash. All right, a pizzeria then? I regret that I didn’t ask Lea for advice. She would definitely know the perfect place. Ok, it doesn’t matter now. The place is not so important. What really matters is who you are with, not where you are.”

When we sat down, I realized that I was not hungry at all, even though I didn’t eat at school. I thought, “What now? My stomach feels like it´s upside down. I don’t feel like eating at all! What about a salad? I could manage a salad, right?”  No, I couldn´t! I basically, just played with my food, putting it from one side of a plate to another. It was totally embarrassing. Even our conversation wasn’t going well, it was slow and boring. I came there so excited and I left so disappointed. It was just a waste of time but I still liked him.

Although our first date was a complete disaster, he asked me out for a second one. We went to see a 3D animated movie. And that was a date! Sitting in the last row, feeling that strange static between us, knowing that we want our hands to meet but being too shy to touch. When flowers were flying around us (you know it was 3D) he pretended like he picked one of them 🌷and gave it to me. It was soooo romantic. Sooo nice that I melted. 😍😊Finally, he put his hand on my thigh and I knew I was all his. Our hands met and our fingers intertwined. I wanted it to last forever. After the movie, he took me for dinner and I ate! Yes!! I finally could eat in front of him and felt absolutely comfortable. Everything was perfect, even our conversation was great. We talked a lot, about everything. We actually couldn’t stop. We even took a selfie in the end. ✌️ But there was still no kiss.

The kiss!!💋 Finally! But how did we get there?

It was Saturday night and I was at work. He came a few minutes before I closed the bar because he wanted to talk to me. He sat down and looked pretty serious. He frightened me. Thoughts in my head were driving me crazy, “What could it be? What happened? We had such a good time on our last date. Does he want to break it off? Before it even started?” I sat down right next him.
“I need to tell you something. You need to know it before things go any further between us.”
He looked totally horrified; trying to say something, but he couldn’t. It seemed like he was scared to tell me because he didn’t know what kind of reaction I would have. And then I figured it out. “He probably wants to tell me about his kids. You know…those pictures on Facebook. That is so cute… he is so afraid to tell me. He doesn’t know yet that I am ok with it. I suspected it from the beginning so it wasn’t news to me. I was already used to the fact.” But I didn’t want to make it any easier for him. I didn’t want to tell him that I knew. I wanted him to tell me by himself. I wanted to see how he was going to deal with it. Not to mention, I wanted to cause a little drama just for fun as a little joke.
“What is it? Tell me! You don’t need to be afraid. What is so serious? Are you married or what?” I don’t know why that question crossed my mind, it just came out of my mouth. He stayed silent, just staring at me. I panicked. I meant it as a joke!
“Are you married?!?” I screamed.😱
“No, I am divorced.” Phew! I was relieved. For a second, I was really scared.
“But there is something else.”
“I know, you have children.”
Alright, so we went through all his surprises and he started to talk. I wanted to know everything about them. He was only 19 when he had them. I thought, “OMG, he was my age! I can´t imagine having kids right now! Am I supposed to be their step mother? I am 19 and they are 10 and 8! I guess I can be more like their older sister or a friend. Will they even respect me? Will they like me?” It was too soon to think like that but I was really worried. I never dreamed I was going to be in a situation like this, to have to think about such questions. But do you remember what I said in the beginning? He was the ONE! I needed to calm down so I told myself, “I like him and I will like his children too. And they will like me back! Everything will be alright!” After that difficult confession we started to kiss. It was amazing! And I am not exaggerating at all!💋😘😍👍🙌🔝

The next couple days we couldn’t move away from each other. We spent all our free time together. We were going to dates, to bars, drinking, having fun and so on… until his last day came. He told me he would like to spend his last night with me.

 

“Tomorrow evening we are going to the City Hotel. He booked a room. I can´t believe that he is flying back to Sydney in two days! I can´t imagine being without him now.” I told Nela and Lea.
“So are you two having sex?” Lea asked.
“He said he would not try to persuade me. That it would be enough for him just lay next to me and kiss. That he just wanted to spend his last night with me.”
“And you actually believe him? Are you nuts? Of course he wants sex! It is his last chance to have you and who knows when you will see each other again, or even if.”
“He is supposed to come back during the summer. It is in 5 months. We could wait.”
“Do you believe that your relationship will continue?” Nela had still her doubts.
“He already told me he loves me…so I hope so.”
“But do you want to sleep with him?”
“I don’t know. I am afraid. You know, until now I only slept with Mike, and the first time we did it, it was after 10 months of dating. Ok, I know we were only 16 then, but still, I knew him very well. But this one? I’ve only known him a month. And he is much more experienced than I am. I don’t want to disappoint him.”
“You will disappoint him if you don’t let him fuck you. He is leaving and you will have no more opportunities to do it. You will wait 5 months and meanwhile things might change a lot. You should do it so that he remembers you. You need to give him motivation to come back to you.”
“Lea, don’t give her that kind of advice! If she is not ready, she is not supposed to do it. Maybe sex is all he wants and you will not hear from him ever again? You don’t want to regret that you slept with an idiot.”
“But I truly fell in love with him. I don’t want to lose him!”
“So you know what you need to do.”

 

In the end, I slept with him. First, I refused but I saw how horny he was so I just had to do it. I was so stressed that I was barely turned on. Honestly, I wasn’t at all turned on. It was weird.😒 There was music playing the whole time.🎶 There was only one moment I could actually remember very well. When the song Te Amo by Rihanna was playing, we had a connection. I don’t mean that sexual connection, but that kind of connection when you are staring into each other eyes, breathing the same air and saying sweet things. Since then, that song was the song. Whenever I heard it, I was in that room again, with him again, in that moment again. Even many years afterwards, when I heard it, time just stopped running and I was totally paralyzed by memories.

Do you know what was quite funny? The rooms were named after world cities and they were decorated in that particular style. We were in the New York room. I thought that I would never visit a city such as New York🗽 . America wasn’t really my dream place. At that time, the world seemed so huge and inaccessible for me. Coincidentally, a few years later I visited New York a couple of times, and right now I even live less than 70 miles away!

 

“How was it? Did you have orgasm?” Lea was very curious.
“It was very tense. I didn’t even dream about an orgasm. I was so stressed that I didn’t enjoy it at all. Never mind, maybe next time. It seemed like he enjoyed it. He came twice. So hopefully he will have pleasant memories of me and he will come back.”
“And then what?” Nela asked.
“I don’t know. We will spend the summer here together. We will get to know each other better and then we will see. Maybe I will go to Sydney with him.”
“And what about college?”
“I will go to college there. It’ll help improve my English. Btw I watched some videos on YouTube about Australia and I totally fell in love with it. It is such a beautiful country. He also told me that people are very kind and always smiling there.”
“You are right. You should go to study there! They have a higher level of education there than here. You will have more possibilities after you graduate. I´ll support your decision!” ,said Lea.
“Do you think that he is making plans with you for the future?”
“Once when he was talking about his ex-wife, he told me that I am very young and that I need to enjoy life, parties, fun, but that he wants to experience all this with me. And after, he wants to have two children with me. That sounds like a plan, right?”
“And what does it have to do with his ex?” Nela seemed to be a little confused.
“Well, they had children when they were very young. She didn’t have time to enjoy life, and that’s why she went crazy. She is 4 years older than him and is scared of getting any older. She was always talking about cosmetic enhancements she needed. She was totally obsessed with it. He said that he had given her so much money for it. It was insane! And that was still not enough! He liked her all natural. He didn’t want a plastic Barbie. Then that bitch cheated on him. She found a lover, some black guy from New Zealand. And that’s why they got divorced.”
“That’s funny. He paid for all her upgrades, she dumped him and then seduced another guy.”
“Exactly! Someone else is now enjoying her bigger boobs and lips, butt with no cellulite, less wrinkles on her face. Poor him, he invested in her and look how that bitch paid him back.”
“But listen, thanks to that bitch, he is with you now.”
“Yea, you are right.”

 

The next few days were passing slowly. I was counting each day and it was driving me crazy. I missed him desperately and he was barely in touch with me. I was online nonstop on Facebook, eagerly waiting for a message from him but there was still nothing. From time to time, he texted that he missed me and that he loved me. When I asked why he didn’t reply for so long, he just said that he was busy. I wrote him long letters📜 about my life, how I was doing, what was new at school, about work, how I missed him and how I couldn’t wait to see him again. Then I waited a week or two for an answer. The wait felt like torture. I listened to romantic songs, looked at his pictures, and cried. 😢I literally became a stalker, and I spied on him. I looked at all his photos on Facebook over and over. I was trying to find out where they were taken, when and with whom. I read all the comments and I checked out the profiles of all people he was with.

Mostly I was stalking his ex though. I watched his children as well until I fell in love with them too. I dreamt how I was going to take care of them; how we would go on trips; how we were going to have fun together. I didn’t know them but I already loved them. When he added some new videos on Facebook, that was like Christmas 🎄✨🎁 for me! I could watch them for hours, over and over. It was more real than photos. I could hear them! I could hear what his children´s voices sounded like. I could hear how they speak English; and I tried to understand them. I was completely losing my mind. I admit I was totally crazy. When he finally replied to my essay work, I was so happy that I could move a mountain! I was so stupid and naïve. I didn’t want to see the truth. I refused to see that he was just ignoring me while I was going crazy. And btw once when I was staring at the laptop screen, my sister came to my room and said: “Omg, he is ugly!” I thought, “What does she know? After all, she is a lesbian.” Hmm, I didn’t want to admit that he actually wasn’t such handsome as I saw him.

So how did I feel when he called me on my cell phone? I was jumping like a mad kid. My happiness was so bright that it could light up an entire city. I told myself, “The call from Australia to Slovakia must be expensive, and they are 10 hours ahead. It´s already night there and he called me anyway. He definitely loves me!” What a dummy I was, right? When he called me, he said things like, “I love you….I miss you…I can´t wait to see you…when I come to Slovakia I’ll meet your dad and I ask him for your hand…..” I melted.😊 I believed every single word.

 

One day I was chatting on Facebook with his cousin´s girlfriend. We were kind of friends. I don’t really remember what we were talking about, but it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that she told me that he was married! Like still married! Not divorced as he said. “WHAAAAT!”😯 My jaw dropped. She started to explain that she thought I knew about it and that it didn’t matter because they didn’t live together. They were getting divorced but officially they were still married. It DID matter to me! And a lot!!! Because that night, when we kissed for the first time, I specifically asked, “ARE YOU MARRIED?!” and he said, “No, divorced.” So he lied to me! And that meant it was over for me. It was just over! It´s hard to explain with words how I felt. I felt like a whore. Literally like that kind of bitch who sleeps with a married man. OMG! ME!! I never thought I would find myself in a situation like this. I knew they had problems before, that I didn’t change anything about their relationship, but I still felt horrible. I slept with a married man! Can I live with myself now? Why did he do this to me? Why did he lie?

I confronted him with the truth. Actually it was only one message where I said that I already knew about it and that I didn’t want to see him again. And that was it. Over! No response. No explanation. Nothing.

 

Remarkably, I passed all my finals with excellent grades. I passed my entrance exams to university and I was accepted to two schools for economics. 🔝👏I was ready to enjoy summer. But I wasn’t happy at all. I was hurt. My heart was broken and I still missed him. I wanted him to get in touch with me, explain everything and get back together. I was ready to forgive him and give him a chance. All I needed was the first step from his side.
“Stop crying!! You graduated, you got into a prestigious college and now we have three months of vacation! What else do you want?” Lea was getting nervous about my melancholy.
“I want him!”
“Fuck him! You don’t need an old motherfucker!”
“I think I overreacted. He was just scared to tell me the truth. Although he is getting divorced! Once it is over, we could be together. I was just supposed to wait. But noooo, I, stupid dummy, had to be hysterical and dumped him.”
“Bullshit! Are you fucking crazy? If he wanted to get divorced, he would have told you! When you found out, you had a right to be pissed off. He took a shit all over you! And if he loved you like he said, he would have explained you everything, right? He wouldn’t just disappear”.
“It is clear. He was keeping you as a backup plan. He wanted to have somebody to fuck in Slovakia, when he comes back.” ,added Nela.
“Thank you very much.”  I knew they were right but the truth hurt so much. I still believed that there would be some explanation. I believed that we could be together. It just couldn’t end up like this!

At the end of the summer he called me. When I saw his name on my phone, my heart jumped and my breath sped. I was so nervous. I did my best to act normally and not to let him know how excited I was. I kept my voice down, and I tried to behave like I don’t care that he called; that I have my life now and I´m totally fine. It was a bit awkward from the beginning, but then he said he was sorry, and that was all I needed to hear. I was all his again. We assumed we need to talk more, to explain everything and plan what to do next. “Should I go to school here in Slovakia? Am I even supposed to? It begins next week. Will I go there to Australia? Live with him? Study there?” There were so many questions in my head. We agreed we were going to Skype the following Monday, and we would figure it out then. Everything. Our entire future. See? It wasn’t my future anymore, it was our future. I was sooo happy. I couldn’t believe I was so lucky.😍🤗

On Monday, the first day of college, before I even left home for the bus stop, I got a message… From him. That message killed me. He killed me. 😣He said he changed his mind and we were not Skyping that day. We could only be friends. That was it. All my dreams and plans disappeared  in one second. Life didn’t make sense anymore. He did it again. He broke me again. It was much worse than the first time. He gave me hope, and then he took it from me the very next second. He played me. He gave me a chance, and the very next moment, he laughed in my face. He killed me!!! I cried. I cried so hard, so loud, so long.😢😢😢😪😪😪 I replied with a long message full of hysterical cursing and I wished everything bad would happen to him.😤 I wanted to die. I really thought I was going to kill myself. For one second it even crossed my mind, “The railway is close. I can jump under the train and it will be over. The end of that pain that I can´t bear anymore.”

It was only a fleeting moment when those thoughts crossed my mind. I swear. I pulled myself together and went to school. It was my first day. Not knowing anyone, I sat there during my math lecture just staring to the wall… crying. That was my first day of college. My classmates must have thought I was an absolute weirdo. I didn’t give a shit! I was broken; nearly dead. I didn’t care who thought what. Nobody knew. Nobody could see inside me. Nobody could see the empty space. There wasn’t a broken heart 💔; there was no heart at all. Since then I was never the same. I changed. I was the girl with no heart. And since then I behaved  like that. No heart, no feelings. And when I see a man, I see a piece of meat, or a cock, or money, or a trip, or a party, or some other way I can take advantage of him. Nothing else.

Before I met him I was like a meadow full of flowers. I was young and full of life, I had dreams and I hoped life has something special in store for me. I believed that once I would leave Slovakia, the country, where I was born, the country, where I spent so hard childhood and even harder adolescence. I hoped that I would leave and I would be happy. That I would have an amazing life with an amazing man who loves me. I lost all those visions of the future. All my dreams disappeared . He came into my life, and he destroyed it. He ruined everything, and what left was only a desert. That was me, a dry desert with no life.

 

Now, a couple of years later, I still don’t know why he did all this to me. I never saw him again. I never talked to him again. All I know about him, I know from Facebook. Things like where he is, who he is with and so on. I still can´t figure out why he did all that. Why? He could have dumped me right after I slept with him, if he wanted only sex. It would have pissed me off, but at least I would have healed much sooner. But noooo! He had to play with me. He had to lead me on. He kept me like a backup plan. He told me he loved me even though he didn’t mean it!!! He was purposefully torturing me. He is responsible for what I became afterwards. The girl with no heart.

On the other hand, I thank him for that. 👏I thank him for that experience which ultimately made me stronger and wiser.🙌 I´m proud of myself because I had never begged him to come back. Never begged him for anything! He never saw me cry! I was broken but not weak. It is true that I became a girl with no heart and no feelings for awhile, but I rose again and here I am, a grown woman. Now, I am the woman with feelings, capable of loving again. But really no man can hurt me anymore. I don´t let them.  😉😝

The funny thing I found out months after he killed me was that he got back together with his wife/ex-wife. I saw that on Facebook of course. They were together for a few months, and they broke up again. I think they finally got divorced. She went back to the black guy from New Zealand. The circle was complete 😂. It´s soooo ridiculous to me now. What can I say? Karma!! He left me because he thought he could make up with his wife, but he was wrong. He decided to break my heart and give her another chance, even though she betrayed him once. And here we go… She betrayed him again. With the same guy! He gave up on me, on us and all he got was loneliness.

Ok, I don’t know what exactly happened between them and if she really betrayed him again. But come on! For a few months I saw pics of the two of them having dinner, partying, having a good time together. Then I saw pics of her and the black guy. I saw they were in a relationship, but he was M.I.A. on Facebook . No pictures. No status updates. Nothing. We don’t need a master´s degree to figure it out what happened.  😉Karma worked well. You wouldn´t believe that it actually really happened. 😉So poetic.😅 I might be cruel, but I enjoyed it. 😄😄😄

A word to the wise: Ladies! Remember! ☝️

“Don’t beg anyone,
don’t trust anybody,
and if they break you anyway,
don’t let them see your tears!!”

 

 

 

 

 

1 thought on “1st chapter: The Man Who Killed Me

  1. Saw the title and I knew it was going to be great, but when I read it, it was more than exceptional!!! Beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

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