My name is Klara. Who am I and why would you care about my story? I don’t know. Even I didn’t know who I was for a looooong time. What am I like? Who do I want to become? Where do I want to be? When? Who with? Why? …..I didn’t know myself at all.
The first person who really got to know me was Mike. He was the only one who knew the real Klara. The only one, who I opened the door of my heart and soul to. I could be myself with him. I didn’t have to fake anything, I didn’t have to make an impression, or try to get attention, appreciation, praise or favor. Everything was natural. I didn’t have to compete with anybody. I didn’t have to do anything at all, just being. He knew me perfectly. He knew everything, even though I didn’t know. He was the ONE, who got to know the real Klara. Nobody before him, nobody after him.
My parents saw me worse than I really was. I was criticized all my childhood. I was never good enough. Whatever I did, it was just not enough. I was always trying to prove them that they were wrong about me. I was fighting for their favor. I wanted to earn their appreciation, but I never did. Never.
My friends saw me better than I was. For them, I was funny, witty, goofy, flippant, but also kind and smart. I wanted to keep that title, so daily I was making a show. Making them laugh, being funny, and trying to hide my faults. I wanted to be a perfect friend, whom everybody likes. But what did I earn? A few close friends and everybody else was just speaking ill behind my back. Fortunately I got two best friends, who have been with me in good and bad time. Always. Nela and Lea, my best friends forever. ♥ But even they didn’t know Klara so well, they didn’t know everything. They knew all about: Klara and her men, but they didn’t know a thing about: Klara and her family.
Mike knew me all. He loved me all. He loved me the way I was. And I dumped him. I was vulnerable with him. That’s why he knew me absolutely, he knew how to treat me. He knew how to make me happy, but he also knew how to manipulate me. Step by step he was changing my opinions, attitude, values, priorities. I was adapting to him and his imagination of a happy life. But it wasn’t me! I didn’t know myself yet and I didn’t want to become a perfect woman for Mike. I wanted to find myself. I wanted to find out who I want to become. And I couldn’t do it with him. He wanted to finish the high school, get married, settle down, find a job, start a family and just have an ordinary life. These thoughts frightened me. I was 18 years old! All my life ahead! Was it supposed to look like this? Diapers, milk, diapers, milk, kindergarten, 8 hours at work, cooking, washing, cleaning, once a year a holiday on a lake and just keeping going till retirement? NO! Not that! I want more!! I want a better life, more interesting, more adventurous. I want to travel. I want to see the world, hear it, taste it, feel it, get to know it. I can speak two world languages, I don’t want to keep my ass in Slovakia! In a year I plan to go to a college and he plans a wedding! Our concepts of living were totally different. I left him. Yet I knew nobody would ever love me that kind of love. Such a pure love.
I risked everything. I ran away from the man who loved me and I started to live my life. My way! I made mistakes, I fell, I stood up and I made mistakes again. I was learning to live!
I love life! I love food, coffee and wine. Gummy candy is the top, but in general I don’t like candy at all. I love chocolate. I love Il Divo (pop opera, formation of 4 sexy guys with amazing voices), also I like hip hop. I love Ed Sheeran, but I am not such into Justin Bieber. I love Harry Potter, but I hate Twilight. I love Two and a half man, but How I met your mother is not my cup of tea. I love kittens, but I don’t like dogs. I love humans, but not children. I love Christmas, but I hate Easter. About Christmas I love carols, Christmas markets and mulled wine above all, also Christmas decorations and Christmas movies. Best of all I like Home alone. I love summer and sea, but I hate pools. I love travelling and sightseeing. I love ice skating, but I hate skiing. I love history and literature, but I hate IT technologies. I love dance, but not sport. I love music, but I can´t sing. I love theatre, but not ballet or opera. I love parties, but I hate hangover. I love Slovakia, but I don’t want to live there. I love life, but I don’t love myself. Yet.
I am a cheerful young girl, who wants to explore the world and to find the right place in it. I am looking forward to life, adventures and new experiences. I am looking forward to a love.
Well, life is not only beautiful and cheerful. You need to deserve a good life. You need to learn how to live. Life tests us, gives us knock outs. But they make us stronger. Life forms our personality.
So why would you be interested in my story? Because you have a chance to find out how Klara learnt to live. What she lived like, what she was going through, who and how affected her life and how she found herself. Perhaps you will tell yourself that it´s not possible that one person lived through this all. It´s not possible that all this happened to her, that she fell down so many times and she still found the energy to stand up and go on. Again and again. And she still fell in love with life. Again and again. But trust me she did!! She survived and learnt.
I am Klara. I am forgetting the past, living the presence and believing in the future!!!